"Dear Water..." An Apologetic Love Letter

Dear Water,

I’m so sorry – on behalf of so many of my patients, also myself prior to my enlightenment some years ago. I’m sorry for neglecting and underestimating you, for taking you for granted and treating you like a second class citizen to medications or supplements, and all kinds of new formulas and “brilliant advances” that are supposed to increase my testosterone, decrease my aches and pains, and enable me to live forever with the face of my 30-year old self and cock of a 20-year old.

I’m sorry. I realize now that they were all cheap tricks, all cheap whores who weren’t right for me and only out for my money, at best “placebo bitches” fooling me into thinking they were helping when really they remained sitting idly in my stomach, occasionally being absorbed in small percentages of the dosage, wholly ignorant of my individuality and the person I’m trying to become.

But you were always there. You always knew, no matter if I was fat or skinny, old or young, black or white, whether I tended more to high blood pressure or low – that you were good for me. You were the only one who loved all of us equally, like a loyal puppy, indiscriminately like God, invisible like God, omniscient and omnipotent like… okay, we’re getting off track here.

But you never asked for anything in exchange. No money, no jewelry no clothing or contracts. I’ve never had to store you in a cool, dark space or ensured to avoid grapefruits while you were with me, and I can take you with or without food. You never imposed some expiration date or were so jealous or insecure to request I not mix you with others. So wise in your simplicity, so at peace as a result of your inherent power, so accessible and ubiquitous to all of the world, and yet still so many of us overlook you as insignificant, or at least insufficient. Why?

Is it because of your virtues - your accessibility and versatility – that your most important value gets neglected by so many?

Water? They think. The stuff I wash my dishes with at night and butt with in the morning? You think that’s gonna cure my illness?

Yes, poor ignorant, child of Water, as a matter of fact she can cure your condition, if not at least reduce its symptoms by approximately half, and who of us wouldn’t sign up for any of our unwanted symptoms being reduced by half?

If only they knew, sweet Water, that any pathology that features dryness, itchiness, inflammation, or any heat sensation can be moistened or dissolved, cooled by consistent water intake. If sticky plaques adhering to arterial walls are causing things like bad cholesterol or Dementia isn’t it only logical to surmise that water would help? If the kidneys are involved (and they’re always involved) how could water not be in order? If the liver who flushes toxins, the intestines that strive to avoid dryness, or the lungs who depend on oxygen are involved, mustn’t we consider water?

But where are we to acquire such a magical substance? Where can one find such a healing potion in our awfully pragmatic land of science and technology?

Oh it’s everywhere.

But what about the cost? How much will it--?

It’s totally free. Well, you should probably buy a filter, but after that, free.

Oh, but I don’t really like the taste. Is there anything else I can--?

Well, you’re an asshole. What are you, 11? You “don’t like the taste?” Learn to like the taste. Remember when you didn’t like the taste of beer? You managed, right?

We spend billions of dollars on research in futile attempts to cure the uncurable instead of recognizing it as the preventable. When someone sits down in my office and tells me they hardly drink any water at all it makes me smile from ear to ear and breathe a sigh of relief. Finally, I don’t have to think or work hard. Prognosis positive! Drink water, and watch as your aches and pains dissolve into the past.

Chinese Medicine holds that since the body’s temperature is approximately 99 degrees warm or hot water is more conducive to digestion, and I can confirm from experience this to be the case. Whether never using ice on injuries or always cooking our food, Chinese Medicine believes warm temperatures to be more nurturing and circulating, the two pinnacles of good health.

A western doctor friend of mine contested that if we had a controlled apparatus the exact size of a human esophagus, by the time cold water reached the end of it, it would be converted to our 99 degrees; thus making warm water unnecessary.

“Exactly, young grasshopper,” I agreed. “But where is this hypothetical apparatus getting its energy from to maintain the 99 degree environment?”

The point is that converting cold foods and drinks to a friendlier temperature requires ATP that could be better allocated to any number of our physiological processes. Chinese Medicine believes the metabolism process should be a gentle and effortless one. This is why I recommend all my patients drink room temperature, if not hot water. I haven’t had any complaints yet.

We thank you again water, for all that you’ve given us, and all you’ve now forgiven us for. We realize that most of us are morons, destroying ourselves, ignorantly, needlessly, when you’ve been here for us all along. We love you.



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